Pumpkin Spice

Unless you live in a yurt in Mongolia and live on mutton and vodka, you will have noticed that every year, for the last few years, at this time of year, everything is offered in pumpkin spice flavour. Some people love it and some people hate it, and some people point out that it's nobody else's business, which is quite true. I fully agree that if it makes you happy, go for it. If not, buy something else, and shut up. But it annoys me, and you're going to hear why.

There is no such thing as pumpkin spice. It falls in the same category as spaghetti sauce. It even falls in the same category as hamburger soup. Or bruschetta in a jar. Or chicken fried steak. Or...if we are going to be REALLY pedantic...casserole.

I get into trouble for mentioning these things, but I have a "thing" for language, and I hate it when trends mess about with the clarity of language.

"Oh, everyone knows what it means Melanie, you damn pedant..."

Probably. Yep. But that doesn't stop it annoying me.

Not in a tearing my hair out way. Not in a shouting at people way. Just in a "I would roll my eyes, but it hurts" sorta way.

So here we have a pumpkin, Is it spicy? No. Actually it tastes of hardly anything really. For that reason, when people eat it, they add other flavours. These include such spices as cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, occasionally allspice.

These are the same flavours used in traditional fruit cake, and in Spanish bar cake, and often in carrot cake, and in HALF THE DISHES MADE IN ASIA. They do not belong to pumpkin. They don't even come from the same part of the world as pumpkin.

They are simply associated with pumpkin pie.

Therefore the name for these seasonal foods would more accurately be "pumpkin pie flavour" or "warm spice blend". Or the truth - "nutmeg". But no, we couldn't possibly do that.

So, I shall fight back.

Seeing as cream is most often used in coffee, in future I shall insist that cream be named "coffee topping", no matter where or how it is used. Ice cream will be "frozen coffee topping".

Gravy will be re-named "potato sauce".

Pureed tomatoes will be no longer be passata, but instead called "pizza juice". Pepperoni will be "pizza meat".

Due to the ubiquitous use of sliced cheese in North American sandwiches, all sliced cheese will be called "sandwich sheets", except processed cheese which will be "burger sheets".

Salt will be "soup sprinkles" and pepper will be "steak sprinkles".

Yoghurt will in future be known as "tzatziki base", and mayo will be "tuna binder".

Eggs will have new names according to how they are cooked. Sunny side up will be replaced with "hashbrown dip", and hard boiled eggs will be known as "salad crumbles".

Sour cream will obviously be "fajita tamer", and guacamole will be "taco soother".

I think this should make it FAR easier for overseas visitors to understand our food here.