Follow The Fucking Recipe

Inspired by a friend this morning. This blog was created to share recipes, although I hereby confess:

a) I haven't exactly used it very much, and
b) Much of what I write is more of a guideline than a code (said in pirate voice)

But I want to talk about recipes.

Once upon a time recipes came in two forms and we knew the difference. They either came in books - collections of recipes by established cookery writers, tested and checked by a team of people, edited, professionally photographed and published - or they came on the back of envelopes in the handwriting of an elderly relative, with thumbprints and jam on it over time. And we trusted the latter more.

These days we find them mainly on the internet but we can never be quite sure which are worthy or not until we try them. It's a bit of a crap shoot. Because of this, there's usually some feedback involved. Reviews or comments, where people before us have tried them out.

Some of these are very helpful.

"I found this very sweet, and adjusted the honey down to one tablespoonful the next time. It was better, even my children thought so."

Or

"Yield says 2 dozen, but if you fill the cups to the top as directed you will only get 18"

Fair enough. Practical suggestions by sensible people.

Alas. Not everyone who takes part is altogether.......right in the head. My friend found one comment from a woman who objected to creamed corn because she's lactose intolerant. You can't help some people.

But what pisses me off is this:

"I followed this recipe except that I had no ground beef so I used a can of tuna, and I can't eat gluten so I substituted rice for the breadcrumbs, and I don't like spice, so I left that out, and it was really horrible. Bad recipe."

Over the years, I have discovered that people do this stuff a LOT.

I share a recipe, get told it doesn't "work" and then I dig a bit deeper.

"Did you follow the instructions?"

"Well, yes...mostly"

"MOSTLY?"

"I didn't leave it to rise quite as long as it said because I ran out of time...."

Well, that's why it didn't work.

Some years ago a friend asked for my lasagne recipe, which I duly provided. She said it was runny. Turns out that to get the last of the tomato sauce out of the can she filled it with water, swooshed it around, AND THEN ADDED THAT. But apparently this was a long-standing habit. Another friend told me that everything she cooked had a bland, watery taste because of her practice of doing this sort of thing. I suggested she stop doing it with every ounce of tact I could muster, and not only did she look at me like I'd grown an extra head, she said "I'm just being frugal". There's REALLY no helping some people.

But she isn't rare. No.

Almost every single time that somebody has complained about a recipe I've given them, when we get into a conversation about it I discover they did not follow it. In some way or other they changed it. Either more or less of an ingredient, or a substitution, or a step they didn't follow. They deny changing anything, but sooner or later confess they did. And then when I say "AHA!" they make an excuse.

It may seem like a minor detail (use a pre-heated pan to make Yorkshire Pudding) but it's not. If it says do this, then do it, There is a reason why it is in the recipe. Recipes are not merely guidelines unless you really, really know what you are doing.

And some changes matter more than others. If you use chicken instead of turkey, or vice versa, you'll hardly notice, quite frankly. But you can't use dandelions instead of basil, even though they are both green leaves.

Here's some "authorized" substitutions:
http://dish.allrecipes.com/common-ingredient-substitutions/

And don't forget that when baking, i.e. bread, cookies, and cakes etc., proportions can be critical. You can faff about with the stew but follow the brownie recipe to the letter. Even the size of an egg can make a huge difference.

If you struggle with this stuff, experienced cooks are always willing to help.

But we get frustrated with you if you lie to us about following recipes.....so stop it.

Cranberry Granola Bar

Not all recipes you find online actually work out. This one turned out PERFECT. N.B. We didn't use non-stick cooking spray, I don't trust that stuff. We used butter.

Cranberry Granola Bar

16 bars
2 c. old-fashioned oats
½ c. honey
½ c. vegetable oil
2 tbsp. water
2 large egg whites
2 tbsp. packed light brown sugar
1 tsp. ground cinnamon
½ tsp. salt
¾ c. wheat germ
¾ c. chopped walnuts
¾ c. dried cranberries

Directions

Preheat oven to 325 degrees F. Spray 13- by 9-inch metal baking pan with nonstick cooking spray. 

Line pan with foil, leaving 2-inch overhang; spray foil. 

Spread 2 cups old-fashioned oats on plate; microwave on high, in 1-minute intervals, 4 to 5 minutes or until fragrant and golden, stirring occasionally. 

Let cool. In large bowl, whisk honey, vegetable oil, water, egg whites, light brown sugar, ground cinnamon, and 1/2 teaspoon salt until well blended. 

Fold in oats and toasted wheat germ, chopped walnuts, and dried cranberries; transfer to prepared pan. 

Using wet hands, press into even layer.

Bake 28 to 30 minutes or until golden. 

Cool in pan on wire rack. Using foil, transfer to cutting board; cut into 16 bars. 

Store in airtight container at room temperature up to 4 days or freeze up to 1 month.

Johnny Depp Naked

I realise this is not for all tastes, but some of you are diehard fans. Yes, even those of you who claim not to be. So get your magnifying glass out.

As you can see, this was actually a test of the Facebook notification system, to see if my posts are being seen by my friends. If you can see this (no, you can't see THAT, far too small) please reply, ON FACEBOOK, something like "WOW" or "Dear God" or whatever. Don't spoil it.

Thank you for your time and attention.

The Strawberry Bed

As I've been neglecting this blog (too much doing, not enough recording for posterity) and I have a lot of photos of this small project, this seems the best way to do it.

I grew strawberry plants from seed*, and they did well, so I needed somewhere to put them. We had an old raised bed from years ago that was totally lost to weeds, so I decided that was the place, but I hadn't reckoned on the weeds having other ideas.

It was a thatch of vetch and grass, and despite soaking it for several hours, I couldn't get the bloody weeds out.

So, I discussed it on Facbook as I planned to smother the weeds. I got some good advice from friends who'd tackled similar challenges.

The first suggestion was before doing anything to cut the weeds right down. I don't know why I hadn't thought of that myself, but actually that became step 1.

Which was a lot of hard work, as you can imagine.

OK, maybe not. Martin did it with the weed whacker. Once he had you could really see what we were up against.

There was literally a mat of roots.

The next suggestion was to cover this with newspaper rather than my idea of landscaping fabric. The thing was I had no newspaper, but I did have landscaping fabric. Then somebody said cardboard...so that's what I did.

I opened up boxes and filled in the gaps with other bits.

Then we filled it with soil. OK, Martin did.

And finally I planted the strawberries and watered them in.

This is the end - or the beginning , depending on which way you go - of our new "fruit walk". Fruit bushes and trees are going along both sides of a path through the wildflower meadow, along the back of the pond. I'll show you all the steps in this ongoing project.

*My latest "thing" is growing everything from seed.

What The Phok?

When we are talking about likes and dislikes in food, inevitably I get called picky. I'm not actually any pickier than anyone else, it's just that the the things I won't eat tend to be very specific (I'll eat a hard boiled egg white, but no other egg white) or things that are generally very popular. To make up for this latter issue, I love many foods that are often unpopular. So for example, given the choice between liver and chocolate, I'll take the liver. So, it's not a question of me being pickier than average, I'm just non-mainstream. And nothing new there.

In fact I eat most regular foods. There are, for example, very few vegetables I don't like. In a world where some simply don't eat vegetables, or only do so because they feel they ought to, rather than enjoying them, I am far less picky there.

But in fact I don't find anything wrong with being picky about food. It isn't like I only eat a short list of food items, the type of picky I usually see. I just don't see the point of eating something I don't like. My entire philosophy about food is that if it's not delicious (i.e. not a question of being passable, I must actively enjoy it) I don't eat it. Life is too short for bad food and I don't need the calories.

I'll give you an example - burger buns. Most of them are pretty awful, actually. I'm told it doesn't matter, it's just there to hold the burger. Well, you may as well eat a napkin then, because eating a food holder is ridiculous. When I eat burgers I will either:

1. Obtain a good bun.
2. Go without a bun.

The latter is a great low carb option anyway.

Pasta on its own leaves me stone cold. It's not unpleasant, but it's just dull. Adding butter only raises it a level. Add cheese and it's good. Therefore if I eat pasta, there must be cheese.

I don't eat plain boiled rice because it's dull and sucks away flavour from other things. Fried rice, risotto, or pilaf are all just fine. I don't eat brown rice because I don't like the taste. Some say it tastes "nutty". Well, so does dirt. If I seek a nutty flavour, I eat nuts.

I love fish, never met seafood I didn't like. I love all meats except venison, and I wasn't keen on moose but it may have been the recipe. I don't like slow cooked poultry, but I do love it fried or grilled or roast.

I bet I eat, and enjoy, a longer list of foods than most people, actually.

No, my tastes issues are quite specific. Mostly to do with quality. I don't eat stale or dry food. I don't eat burned food. I don't eat overcooked food. I don't eat bland, watery food. This isn't picky this is discerning. Gourmet even. Anything wrong with gourmet?

The real problem is that the specific flavours I don't like keep cropping up these days.

There are fashions in food the same as in everything and people are discovering the wealth of foods from around the world. Being English, I grew up with curry, but it was a specifically English version of it, using a limited range of spices to suit the English palate. But now, thanks to TV chefs and people being more adventurous, a more authentic Asian cuisine is arriving in the west.

Enter a long list of flavours that I really can't stand.

You can group these into three categories:

1. Flavours that I might well enjoy in sweet items/desserts, but find completely off-putting in savoury dishes, often to the point where I simply can't eat it, depending on quantity.

This includes spices such as cloves, cinnamon, nutmeg, mint, ginger, and also most fruit.

Tiny amounts of cloves or ginger in a spice blend, you may get away with. But too much and I'm pushing it away. My taste buds say no, and my gag reflex wakes up ready to go if pushed.

I can tolerate raisins in SOME savoury dishes, pickled fruits in chutney is sometimes OK, and citrus is usually just fine, but if you start mixing raspberries into my salad, I am not going to eat it.

2. The aniseed family. From fennel to licorice, and even dried basil (fresh is fine), I simply don't do that flavour. I can't even bear the smell. This also means no pastis or ouzo, thank you. Can't do it. Just.....no,

3. Cardamom. It gets its own category because that shit is just nasty. It tastes like furniture polish. No, I've never eaten furniture polish, so don't be difficult. Taste is mostly done in the nose - actually - block your nose and you can't taste anything. So there. Cardamom tastes the same as furniture polish smells, and I don't even understand why anyone would think to use it in food.

I've heard people say it has an "interesting" flavour. Well so does bleach.

So, last week quite by chance I learned about Pho. I've never had Pho, and after reading about it, I'm never going to.

I learned two things about it.

1. It contains several of the above mentioned spices,
2. It is pronounced "fuh".

I'm used to oriental languages being spelled in ridiculous ways when using the Roman alphabet, because I'm attempting to learn Mandarin, and it is written in pinyin using a system invented by a madman. This is why Feng Shui is actually pronounced fung shway. Because using vowels that made sense would have made it all too easy for those of us already struggling with Chinese characters and 4 effing tones. Don't even get me started.

But if it's pronounced "fuh" then I can put a k on the end, and you know what that means? Yes it means I have found another way of spelling the word that gets me into trouble.

Now I can write What the Phok?

And indeed, while I often say "WTF"? when told many things, if they are food-related, it is more appropriate to say "WTP?"

So when I hear about balsamic pears next time, you know what I'm going to say.






EDIT: This was supposed to be a humorous piece. I've already had one complaint and it was only published a few minutes ago. Please find your sense of humour and read it again.

Minestrone

First a bit of food history. I love this stuff. Minestrone comes from the same root as does ministry, i.e. to serve. The minestras were the serving people in Ancient Rome, and what they got to eat was any leftovers from preparing meals, or food returned to the kitchen unfinished. They survived on this and so can you.

So minestrone is a "throw it all in" soup, which means there is no recipe for it. What? But I can find hundreds of recipes for minestrone online! Sure you can, and they're all different. You'll find a favourite sooner or later, but you'll also discover you can make this out of leftovers/what's on sale/what's in the garden in a glut/what needs using up in the fridge, etc.

So a question arises, when is a soup NOT a minestrone? Well, that's an argument you can have all day, but in my opinion the guideline is as follows:

Minestrone is a hearty soup, with a lot of different vegetables, possibly meat (but not essential), and definitely including beans, but also possibly pasta or rice. It usually includes tomato but that's not essential. Served with bread, it's substantial enough for a main course meal. It is also my considered opinion that as this dish originates from Italy, then flavourings should be those typically found in Italian cusine, in other words, if you used Indian or Mexican spices, it ceases to be Minestrone (but it would still be most excellent).

Because it can be varied so much, it's possible to slip this into the dinner menu weekly, or even more often, without the family crying "Oh no, not again".

Here is an example for making minestrone, using leftovers:

http://www.saveur.com/article/Recipes/Minestrone-1000090697

You can substitute to your heart's content.

Here is a totally different version, so you can see how flexible it is:

http://www.taste.com.au/recipes/12013/minestrone+soup

And here is a more "authentic" version, if there is such a thing:

http://allrecipes.com/recipe/classic-minestrone/

Sausage Rolls

I never finish learning, and today I learned that pigs in a blanket is NOT the same as a sausage roll.

Anyway, this is how you make sausage rolls.

First you need pastry. You can buy it frozen of course, or you can make your own, and there are several types of pastry suited to this. Puff or flaky pastry is increasingly popular, in fact for some people that's the only pastry they'll accept. Then there's an old-fashioned shortcrust pastry which is sturdier - if you plan on transporting these it might stand up to it better.

But we have developed a taste for a pastry that is halfway between the two, and the recipe is printed on a brand-name lard here in Canada, called Tenderflake. The Tenderflake recipe is so good, that frankly we don't bother with anything else.

You'll find it in detail here:

http://www.thekitchenmagpie.com/tenderflake-recipe

Tom is the pastry maker here and he says just use all the damn water, it turns out fine.

Anyway, having made that, let it sit, covered while you make your sausagemeat filling.


You'll need
1kg of lean ground pork
A medium onion chopped up very finely
1 tablespoon of parsley
2 tsps sage
1 tsp thyme
1 tsp salt
1 tsp pepper.

Get your hands in it and mix that all up.

Now grab a lump of pastry dough and roll it out to a long, long strip about 4" wide. Then take the sausage meat and create a snake right down the centre third of the pastry. Now flip the sides up and overlap them so the meat is covered and you have a very, very long sausage roll.

First time I got Michael to do this he struggled with it, and I said to him "Call yourself a teenager, and you don't know how to roll a joint?" He was horrified.

Cut it into shorter lengths. short ones for parties, a bit longer if you're serving it for a meal. Repeat until the pastry and sausage meat is all gone. Turn them over so the join is on the bottom and line up on parchment lined pans. Slash the tops with a knife, and then paint them all well with an eggwash.

Bake at 180C for about 45 minutes.

This makes a lot, but don't do less. They freeze well, and besides, they are so good they'll go fast.